KEEPING IT REAL

I've had some time to think about my experiences of the past year, my thoughts are still jumbled and I hope I find some more clarity as I write this.

Africa was supposed to be a culmination of everything that I had done in my life, it was supposed to reveal to me my destiny. It was also supposed to be the way I proved to the world that I was loveable and valuable, that my existence has some purpose. Finding Sam, the man of my dreams and having him love me was supposed to be the same thing. A culmination of all my efforts to be worthy and to have a good man recognize and cherish that. Now I sit here, with the understanding that neither Africa or Sam are my end stories and they have not revealed to me my purpose on this planet. I realized both of those long held and long awaited dreams only to learn that I did not fit in them.

I think I needed Africa, or just Uganda, or maybe just Nagalama and Kiyunga to adore me and that it turn would finally prove I was worthy, valuable, loveable, whatever. The truth is they didn't adore me, they in fact survived before me and will continue to do so now that I've left. And each time I felt their disdain, or heard their laughter, or was ripped off or whatever...I took it in and believed that I deserved all of it. None of the good things I did could outweigh how much I felt like I had failed. Because when it comes down to the nitty gritty, my ultimate goal has been to get you to love me, them to love me, the world to love me. What overwhelming arrogance, pride and vanity. How sad. To finally realize that I'm just a woman wanting to be loved, not a hero, not extraordinarily unique...just me who thought if I did enough good things, acheived enough, that I would be as good as or better than everyone else.

Now my dreams are done. I don't have some huge, glamorous goal, don't particularly feel like changing the world, no job, living with Dad, no exciting adventure looming on the horizon, cannot seem to care about the things that once seemed so important to me. I do have good credit, I've got that going for me. I also have a bad attitude and a fiendish case of self-pity. I'm kind of stripped down to the bare essentials and beginning to know in my heart that it doesn't matter how many compliments I receive, how many races I run, how many daring feats I perform, how many mountains I climb...I will not stop feeling like a failure until I know for myself, by myself and deep within myself that I am worthy of this life, even if I didn't manage to scoop Africa out of poverty.

It seems that each achievement I've gone after has been this desperate hand reaching out for validation, to outrace the demon in my heart that tells me I'm not good enough unless I'm doing something spectacular. So I guess what happened with all that extra time I had in Africa and now here in Long Beach, California is I finally had the opportunity to look my big ole ugly demon in the face and recognize what I've been running from all these years. Me.

Wow. I was supposed to return victorious...oops. But you know what, I'm sitting in the rubble of my fluffy dreams and I see that I can build something here. Not sure what yet but it won't be a chia pet that needs the world's love and praise to grow...it'll be me, a strong woman that grows from the inside. I'm not going to walk the path that I think will make everyone happy and adoring, I'm going to walk my path. There is this phrase that if you can see the path that you can walk on, it's not yours. I cannot see any path at all...so I suppose I'm finally walking my own. I've also heard that the way to build self-esteem is by doing esteemable things. Hmmm, I wonder what that would entail? Doing something good for someone else without the intention of getting them to love me? Maybe?

So it dawns on me that maybe Africa was the culmination of everything that came before. Perhaps I am exactly where I need to be, and the experiences I had were perfectly mine...the exact ones I needed to open my eyes to my own fears, insecurities, strenghts and weaknesses. Perhaps the new skin I am growing into is my own. And now the real adventure begins.

I think it's incredibly ironic that I am going to call a friend and read this to her before I'll work up the balls to post this blog. She said, "the truth shall set you free."