THE SEASONS CHANGE

Sometimes it feels like a whole lifetime has passed by since I left Sacramento in January. So much has happened this year to change my perspectives, challenge my beliefs and mess with my mind and heart. I find myself slowly picking up the pieces of my life, looking at each piece and asking myself 'did I ever truly like doing this or did I do it out of some sense of obligation or idea that it would get me something?' I don't know if everyone reasseses there life after this kind of year but that is where I seem to be.

It's not easy to write this blog nowadays and I wonder why I do. The witty, somewhat interesting girl I once believed myself to be is hard to find these days. Replaced by a much quieter, harder, more realistic being. I find that not many people truly want to know what Africa was like. I don't think it's because they're not okay people but I think they have there own lives, their own world issues to address and it's also that I cannot explain the experiences and feelings I had there in some sort of easy to swallow way. How can I explain that the darkness I found was in me, not them, not Africa? The darkness is there too but they seemed to know how to live with the circumstances of their lives but I couldn't. I'm the one that doesn't accept that the world needs to be this way. I'm the one that spends at least half my life, in my head, searching for logical explanations to the behavior of humans.

There is this one lesson I've been learning more and more this year. Through everything the thread has been 'just keep going.' I want life to be ridiculously happy, make sense, seem good but that's just not my worldview right now. Maybe it will be again one day (and then it will probably pass again) but currently I've come to intimately understand that life beats you down some days, helps you to doubt yourself, your worth, doesn't give you what you want. So what do I do in times like these, just keep going. Some days I do it with a smile and gratitude for the friends I have, the roof over my head, the food that's available, the sunny skies and the fall leaves. But some days, I do it by putting one foot in front of the other. And some days, I do it by pulling the covers over my head and sleeping.

I moved back to Sacramento, to the place that feels like home. Simple things make me happy...unexpected visitors at my door, watching a movie with friends, getting an ice cream at the Loving Spoonful, going places where people know my name, anonymity. I've found work that I can do. And life just sort of moves on. And so do I.