A Long, Beautiful Adventure...And It Continues

This has been a pivotal year for me. I thought the changes were external but they are in fact, primarily internal. I set out on this great adventure, understanding that it would open my eyes and heart to new people and realities that might change me. I could never have predicted how much these experiences would impact me. In Motorcycle Diaries, Che says that his travels impacted him in ways that he could not have predicted. I pondered that phrase before I left...not knowing exactly what he meant. Now I do.

I was interviewed by the Sacramento Bee before I left. Normally I would've forgotten the content but since it's in print, I'm able (or forced) to reassess my thoughts of that time. My words to the reporter at the end of the interview were along the lines of 'maybe it will be what I bring back that is most important, as opposed to what I do when I'm over there.' At the time, they were eloquent sentiments that seemed wise. Now they ring with true experiential understanding. In the grand scheme of things, what I contributed to the people of Kiyunga/Nagalama/Uganda is minute. Michelle sent me pictures of Stuart graduating from his 'babytop' (nursery) class, wearing his old man classes, looking...almost chubby. He arrived at JIM School a gaunt little old man, disguised in a sick little boys body. When I think of him, I feel as though every single dollar donated, and my dreams of Africa, are justified. Because maybe we didn't change the world but we certainly changed Stuart's world. So what was contributed is small but was has come back with me, seems huge. More passion, a new devotion to helping others within my own borders, a new willingness to be of service in less glamorous ways...but it's no longer marred by the rosiness of my glasses, the fantasies of my youth or big visions of personal glory. Not today anyway.

My idea of God when I flew to Uganda was that of a benevolent being. When I experienced Africa, the misery of it, the relentless misery of it...I could no longer easily maintain my old ideas of this supernatural being that had some care for humans. I wanted no part of a God that allowed what I saw and experienced, to exist. And then Israel, when I sensed that Sam and I were not a match, it seemed the final blow. The one thing I had counted on-being taken away-it was too much to bare. So I walked away from my God for awhile. And embraced total misery.

Deep down within me is a sense that I am not alone, even when I feel alone amidst a crowd. There is a feeling, in my gut, that I am apart of something greater, that this world (with all it's failings and ugliness) is not only a chaotic mess-it has some purpose. Perhaps it's just Earth school, a place to learn. Or maybe it's a grander scheme, a fierce battle between good and evil, who knows. Maybe that is why I am drawn to movies like Star Wars, and the Lord of The Rings because they illustrate these fierce battles between the light and the dark. What I experienced this year was a fierce battle taking place within myself. Could I hold onto my belief in the goodness of man, the benevolence of God, the hope for mankind, the power of service to others, that love exists, that everyone doesn't walk away-when my world was falling apart?

I would love to say that after gracefully meditating on the issues at hand, I concluded that I could hang onto my beliefs. But that is not what happened. I tried to live as a cynic, shut myself off from others, applied for jobs that seemed heartless and felt horrible. I can't do it. From somewhere inside, my hope and passion for humans and compassion for their struggles rises up and I was forced to reach out to the world around me. And before I knew it, I was once again appreciating the sunsets, feeling grateful for the chance to exist, telling a friend how much they mean to me and seeing a person suffer...and caring about it, wanting to help if I could. So it turns out, I cannot live in the dark-it just doesn't work.

So who cares if I change the world? What if everything I do fails, and the darkness remains just as dark when I leave the world? It just doesn't matter... because this is how I'm choosing to live while I'm here. I'm embracing the ugliness, the nonsensical misery, the cruelty, the laziness, the apathy. I recognize little bits of those characteristics in myself and now I recognize them in the world. But it's only when I accept the dark, trust that it has it's purpose, that I can begin to appreciate the light. The beauty, the kindness of humans, the way a really good song makes me feel, the coolness of waking up on Christmas morning and being with your wildly funny, disgusting brothers that smell, the way it feels when the sun is on your face and you're enjoying a yummy, yummy, yummy soy Chai tea. I want it all, the whole rainbow of human experience.

I'm on a roll and could possibly wax poetic for hours today but...my brothers, in true Newth fashion have failed to finish their Christmas shopping-and we need to hit the mall. I love this life.