THE TRUTH COMES OUT-THIS IS A LONG ONE...

I've discovered that it is much easier to write a public access journal when you're loving life, excited and fired up. I have been avoiding writing an entry for weeks because I haven't had many positive things to say. It's challenging to be honest when the truth is ugly and doesn't make me look particularly nice.

I see clearly now that I had many expectations regarding my time here, unspoken and developed over the years of dreaming about Africa. Slowly over the past three weeks my reality has come crashing in on me, along with any romanticized view I had of my time and work here. I imagined arriving, seeing clearly and quickly the work that needed to be done...and doing it. There would be interesting cultural moments, a few challenges that would be met and overcome rapidly, people would adore me and I would write home about the amazing orphanage I built. My motivations for coming to Africa are mixed and include a healthy, ever-needing-to-be-checked ego and a 'Mother Theresa complex.' I imagined the possibility of ending poverty-I mean, I have 6 months. Actually, now I have a little more than 5 months (not that anyone is counting down the days or anything.)

On my 23rd day in Uganda, I have to report that poverty is still rampant, HIV continues to spread, orphans remain homeless and I am not always culturally sensitive. Nor do I always love and enjoy the Ugandan life. Sometimes, I downright hate it. There, I said it. Ugh...I can hear the furious email responses being written....'don't be ungrateful, you wanted this experience, bloom where planted, etc...'

How funny, I'm sitting at an internet cafe in Kampala about to write that I have no idea how to be of service here, etc...(I'll probably still get into that later) then a gentleman sat down next to me and asked if he could speak to me about his organization. This type of thing happens rather frequently here...everyone has, or is starting an NGO (non-governmental organization). I don't know if I can help this particular gentleman but I'll visit his website and see what he's about. I've been searching for something to do while I'm here. The NGO I work with is fine, they run a nursery school, staffed by teachers that speak both English and Lugandan. They offer pre and post HIV test counselling at a local hospital, run by counsellors who have all had 8 month training courses. They also visit local homes where "orphans" live. An "orphan" here is any child that has lost either one or both parents. So it's a decent organization, I wouldn't call it vibrant or growing but it's fine. I've participated in everything that has been available and I cannot seem to find where I am supposed to fit in. The truth is, the org. runs fine without me, they seem content to keep doing the same stuff they've been doing for years. Honestly, it feels like they got my money and now they are happy to have me tag along to their events so I can feel good about myself. Yuck, what a friggin' waste of time. Maybe that would be cool for a month but I'm staring down a long road and the idea of a 6 month vacation in Naggalama (not the vacation spot of my dreams) is too much to bare most nights.

The GVN website mentioned that this would be a good placement for self-starters, they weren't kidding. If I want to actually do something while I'm here, I will need to determine what that will be, plan it out, figure out how to do it, probably pay for it, etc... So for the past two weeks, I have been lying awake at night trying to come up with an idea, something, anything... Not because I'm some wonderful gal that's dying to be of service, it's come down to survival. There is a possibility that my brain will actually kill itself with over-introspection and guilt if I do not find a focus.

Part Two

Feeling crazy and depressed has taken up some time. Other moments have been filled with adventure. I've been learning about "Africa time", the idea that nothing need ever be on time. Last Monday I was delivering school fees to a bunch of schools in the area (turns out schools are EVERYWHERE, down every darn dirtroad) with Sam and Elijah, two MUMYO members. They asked me when I had to be back for lunch, I told them 1pm. Tespista is the lady that cooks my meals and she is the only woman I know who intimidates me in curlers. If she says lunch is at 1pm, lunch is at 1pm. Elijah convinced me that 2:45pm would be a fine time to show up. So I ate lunch that had sat outside cooling for over an hour and I got sick. I mean REALLY SICK. I was driven to the hospital Tuesday morning after a crazy night of no fluid retention (didn't worry too much about the cockroaches that night). So I was losing liquid from all of my orafices, then I came down with a fever, then the sweating began. After I developed a vicious headaches, I requested a hospital visit. That was a good decision. They hooked me up to an IV, shot me in the arse a few times because I kept throwing up medication, then kept me overnight for observation. I wasn't much to observe. It's almost a week later and I'm almost physically normal, whatever that means. But I'm way careful about food which is okay because my appetite is slow to return (best diet ever.) So when I'm offered plates of local street foods, I usually decline. I know it's culturally insensitive but eating it is physiologically insensitive.

Visited a local prison with another muzungu (hate that word and hope each morning that I won't have to hear it yelled at me until after I've had my tea). The prison isn't exactly a part of my project but again...I'm searching desperately for something to do. Anywho, Joyce is Australian and a total nut, a very good nut. She is appropriately named because she has this ability to create joy in very mundane situations. So we visit the prison and the 8 lady inmates. I'm not at all sure what's going to happen but Joyce just starts chatting away and before I know it has started dancing with the ladies. I so planned on sitting on the sidelines watching but eventually the general good vibe took over and I was dancing in spite of myself. The ladies loved seeing belly dancing and swing dancing, they like the moves where you shake your booty. It was that simple, couldn't have planned it, just needed to show up. I'll visit the ladies again next week.

Last night I helped out at a fashion show that another volunteer put on. It was incredible, seriously feel humbled by the creativity and love these women designers (and one man) put into creating outfits that reflected 'the spirit of the African woman.' And they were really good. Clothes made from bananes leaves, plant stems, bottle caps, loofah material (yeah, i know). Miss South Africa somehow ended up being one of the models...it was wild. I was the score keeper, wrote all the judges marks on the stage. The judges were primarily volunteers, they didn't want Ugandan judges because of the normality of cheating (the locals requested the judges be volunteers). At one point I might've questioned the relevance of holding a fashion show while there are so many big issues to deal with but seeing the creativity and intelligence and hope of these woman convinced me otherwise. That reminds me, I need face paints, water balloons and anything else that could be used for an orphans day we will host each month. If anyone wants to send those types of things, let me know.

Other things have happened, bad and good. The days are up and down like a rollercoaster ride. Sometimes I like it, other days I loathe it. But I'm still here and that is going to have to be enough for this reluctant volunteer, today.

Next week...the national elections, corruption and having a 'lifeist' attitude.