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I'm up late tonight, thinking about Africa.

When I was a little girl I thought that my job was to change the world, to make it better. For a long time I never questioned my ability to do so, but I wasn't sure how. I started dreaming of Africa in those days, my understanding at that time was that it was a poor place that needed help. It was so simple, go somewhere where people need you and help.

It feels more complicated now. The world seems like a desperate place with so many troubles. I wonder if one person can actually make a difference. I'm surprised I actually wrote that...I'm the one that's trying to move to a remote village in Uganda, why am I doing that if I'm not sure I can actually make a difference?

The people who I am drawn too, the ones that fill me with excitement and passion-that fire me up and push me to want to do more, be less afraid, live a life less ordinary, learn to love my fellow planet-dwellers...these people are usually optimists and idealists. They believe in their ability to do good. One friend I spoke with tonight focuses on the little things she can do every day to plant seeds in people's hearts. I read another friend's essay and he speaks of changing the world, one corporation at a time. These people believe in making the world a better place. I want to be like them.

My brother suggested tonight that maybe people become so overwhelmed by all the troubles of America that they give up on it and join the bandwagon that boo-hoos everything our government does as wrong, instead of finding small ways to become apart of positive change. That hit a nerve. I've been pissed off at our government lately, even kicked around the idea that America failed as an experiment in democracy and freedom. At the same time I have a voter information booklet that outlines all of the upcoming propisitions sitting on my coffee table, and I keep finding reasons not to take the time to read it.

It's becoming more clear to me that needing to change the whole world order or at least one nation(I have grandiose plans) is a tall order to give oneself and alot of pressure to live under. Perhaps a more humble goal would be to plant seeds of change in the hearts of a few, and water and nurture the seed that is growing within me.

I don't want to be some naysayer who derives pleasure from pointing out why this and that cannot be achieved. Yuck. There is this phrase " act yourself into right thinking." How cool is that. I don't have to wait until my thinking, motives, intentions, chakras, etc...are all aligned before doing helpful, positive things. Even though today (and maybe for the past couple of days), I don't feel superpositive about the future of our world-I can still act as if I fully believe that I can change our world, make it a little bit better. Because that is who I want to be, a woman who dreams and hopes and helps.

I think it's time to do some more of that dreaming.