Thursday, July 27, 2006

BROODING

It turns out that I fit some sort of terrorist profile. I found this out at 11pm last night when I was detained by Israeli security at the airport for a couple of hours while they interrogated me regarding my visit to Israel and literally every other aspect of my life. I think I'm a bit of an excitement junkie but truly...I yearn for just a few moments/months of unadulterated down-time. I'm almost laughing at the crazy stuff life is dishing out and trying to keep it in perspective. Israel is at war, surrounded by terrorists on numerous fronts...they're fighting for their lives and it doesn't help that Hezbollah just threatened the Tel Aviv airport.

At first I was pulled aside by a young woman and quizzed on everything about my life in the States, in Uganda and my time in Israel. She asked me the same questions many times, I think to see if my answers were consistent. I think the fact that I visited Jordan (went to see Petra, incredible) while I was in Israel, had been up north during my travels and was living in Uganda didn't sit well with them. Next, her supervisor took me through the same routine...apparently I still seemed dodgy because they then brought in four men in dark suits and a guard to stand by me. The suits questionned me for awhile, then they escorted me to another room. They had me show them my pictures, they looked through my journal, they searched me (they kindly let me keep my clothes on) then they unpacked every square inch of my luggage and went through it with machines, etc... They actually metal detected my underwear-I'm not kidding. After this they explained that some of my belongings would be sent on the next plane and could be picked up at Entebbe airports lost and found-for security purposes. This is how some people have to live and the frustration is intense. After awhile I started to think I had done something wrong-I can get a sense of how interrogation works, they twist your words, interrupt you, I think try to break you down. And I wonder if this is how the Palestinians feel every time they cross from Gaza or the West Bank into Israel.

Yesterday while sitting in an internet cafe, a gunshot sounded outside...everybody jumped, some people ran into the cafe-I still don't know what made the noise and after a few minutes everybody quieted down. I guess this is why groups like Hezbollah are called terrorists, because they put terror into your heart and that becomes it's own debilitating weapon as it wears you down.

The issues are complicated over here. It's not difficult to understand both the Palestinian and Israeli point of view, each of them wanting a home, both groups feeling entitled to the area. Did you know that many of the surrounding Arab countries, while hating Israel and giving their allegiance to Palestine, do not want Palestinians in their countries. And after the Holocaust it's not hard to understand why Jewish people feel they need a nation, a Zion. I've avoided taking sides all my life, always said I didn't know enough about the issues to need to. But now I think I have an opinion and I'm grateful for the education I've received on this trip to the Middle East.

Do you remember my fixation with Starbuck's Chai tea and how much I've missed it? I had a chai in Israel...and it gave me a stomachache-I don't think my system is used to all that dairy anymore. What has happened to me? The Chai tea thing isn't a big deal (I'm sure I'll work through the initial discomfort to reestablish my old addiction), but it somehow seems representative of the changes that have occured within me. Sometimes I long for the rosy-glasses view I had of the world and life before I left. I have lead an incredibly cushioned, secure life and that is how I thought the rest of the world operated. But it doesn't and bad stuff really does happen, all the time and not because people deserve it and need to simply change their behavior to avoid it. And bad stuff can happen to me, anytime and it probably will. I think I thought that if I was good enough, did enough good things, that the bad stuff would pass me by, that I would be immune to internal struggle, pessimism, cynicism. When I left for Africa, I told people I knew it would be tough but I thought it would be tough in a funny, get that bug off me kind of way-not tough in a way where I was brought to my knees. So many expectations. And it wasn't the physical challenges that got to me, it was the mental games, the constant questioning of old ideas and the isolation. And even more humbling is realizing that the challenges I've faced haven't even been that tough in the grand scheme of things. In fact, it was probably high time I toughened up a bit.

I love The Lord of The Rings trilogy. At the end of it, Frodo decides to leave middle earth with Bilbo and the elves and Gandalf. He tries to explain that he saw too much dark, that he didn't fit in Hobbiton anymore. Sometimes I feel like that...I'm not planning on leaving middle earth-I just don't think I can go back to my life before. But I want to, I actually emailed my old roommate and asked if my room was available...I had this vague dream that I could walk back into my old life and pick up where I left off, but I can't. And so I keep going, trying to talk myself into trusting the Universe, trying to believe that It is benevolent and wanting to believe that It has a plan for me.

This is a dark blog entry. I call days like this 'dark nights of the soul.' They are lonely and cold and scary. But when I get to the other side of them...my eyes are open a bit wider, I learn a bit more about myself, my faith grows and I become even more grateful for the little things in life that I love-like sunsets, runs when the wind is blowing and the thought of my little friend Akilam running to me when I get back to my village later today. It's nice how a hug from that little boy can chase all the bogeymen away for awhile.

Monday, July 17, 2006

DOING SOME LABWORK

Sometimes I love this blog and other times I hate it-it seems to call me back to it, demanding honesty and the willingness to share my truth...even when it's embarrassing or uncomfortable. Some days the words flow from my fingertips, sometimes weeks go by before I'm ready to get real.

I'm in Israel, traveling with Sam around an amazing country. You've probably heard that things are a bit crazy around these parts, and I'll talk about that more later but the truth is that the journey that continues to hold my fascination is the one taking place in my heart.

I came here expecting a perfect trip, thought it would look like the movies, that Sam and I would never argue and that I would get to dress up in all of my carefully put together outfits, that I have now lugged around Israel and never worn. I think there is a part of me that wants love to look that way, beautiful, flawless, easy, always comfortable, dressed up and looking good. I thought I would love Africa because the experience would be like that-flawless. But somewhere during my time in Africa I needed to accept it as it was-ugly, messy and uncomfortable before I could ever love it. I have longed for this trip to Israel for months, painted pictures of how it would be in my mind. I arrived here and discovered that he isn't perfect, that he and I together can be messy and uncomfortable... and that it's impossible for me to always maintain a pretty facade. Just like Africa, I fought it when I realized things weren't going to be the way I had planned or wanted and it wasn't until I accepted things as being exactly as they needed to be, that I could learn to love my experience here. And it is learning how to love, because I'm beginning to believe that love might actually involve effort, patience, tolerance, the best of me-not just the prettiest parts of me. And it doesn't always comes naturally.

Now I'm confronted with this very real relationship, with two very real people and I find that I'm learning to love-finally. But it's not always a very easy process or pleasant for witnesses. My experiences in Africa and Israel have broken me down, taken away all the things I knew, shown me how little I do know and asked me to be a better woman than I am. I don't know if I've risen to the challenge or not-I just know that I'm still here, still going. Still growing.

A few days ago we watched as rockets dropped into the hillside behind our hotel. A few days later we woke to the sound of the bomb siren letting us know that rockets were on their way...it turned out they hit a city a little further south. It stills seems very unreal to me...I wonder how intense it has to become before it feels real. Or does it need to happen to my home and family. The weird thing is that life goes on, it doesn't stand still waiting for things to get better. People are still laying out on the beaches, sitting on the streets smoking their hukas with strawberry smelling tobacco and kids are running around everywhere. It's seems that life is able to adjust to all types of crazy circumstances.

We visited Bethlehem in Palestine and the people were incredibly friendly and served us yummy hummus. Saw the spot where Jesus was reported to have been born. Visited the wailing wall and prayed with my forehead leaning into the warm and time worn rocks that have had millions of foreheads resting against them before mine. Shopped in the colorful bazaars, bargained with a ferocity that I attribute to Ugandan sales tactics. I think I may have scared some of the shopowners. The people are lovely, offering us places to stay, rides, food and drink after speaking to us for 5 minutes. We stayed on a Kibbutz (an Israeli commune), floated in the Dead Sea and biked around the Sea of Galilee.

I've looked for God at every spot we visited and sometimes I found the peace that God brings. Sometimes I felt nothing and wondered how I could be at such a holy place and be thinking about falafel. I thought I would come here, visit the religious sites and be a better Christian or at least more convinced in my faith-kind of like my pilgrimage to Mecca. But I'm still me, the epiphany never came. I've walked through my life waiting for that moment, when everything would be perfect, I would finally get it, whatever it is. I've kept my eyes firmly on the rewards to come and now I'm beginning to wonder if I forgot to allow myself to enjoy the journey itself.

Sam reminded me of that quote from the Beatles song 'Beautiful Boy', "life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans." I know that intellectually but I'm starting to understand it in my bones, that this is my life-NOW. With it's imperfect relationships, a few extra pounds, uncertainty about the future, rockets dropping from the sky and things about myself that still need to be changed. I could live my life always dreaming of what comes next, of what life will be like when I finally make it and at the end of my life have a long list of amazing experiences that I forgot to experience. That might be cool but the thing is that when I'm still and present in NOW, that's when I feel that peace, which I think might be the peace of God-you know those moments when a sunset makes you cry because you're so grateful for it's beauty. That kind of peace.

The cool thing is that I'm walking into a future that has no certainties...I don't know where I'll be living a month from now, will I have a job? Will I be happy or even healthy? So I have all these opportunities coming up to practice living in the NOW, doing my part to prepare for the future, then getting back to enjoying what is, at this moment. Sometimes I feel like life is a series of lectures and labs...you learn something new, listen to the lecture, maybe take notes-then you have to go into the lab (or life) and actually practice it.

Today is a beautiful day in Israel. There are resumes that need to be sent but then a beach that beckons. So I'm going to get back to my labwork.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

JUST CHECKING IN

This is just me checking in from Israel. Sam and I are fine, healthy and safe. The situation here is...different from anything I've ever experienced before. Israel is an incredible place. Thank you for sending me emails to see if we're okay, we are and I'll be in touch again later.