FUNDRAISING UPDATE
CURRENT: $3765, GOAL: $6350

Kirk, Jackie and Saul-thank you so much. I came home today to your generous donations and felt somewhat overwhelmed by the kindness of friends. Each donation is taken to heart and makes me want to do everything in my power to be of service when I'm in Uganda. I'd like to show every donor that their kindness was worth it.

Sometimes I get so nervous that this won't work out. I mean, it's kind of crazy, just up and moving to Uganda. Usually when I start feeling that way something happens (someone donates, a supportive letter arrives) to encourage me to continue on this quest.

What I've been realizing lately is that I haven't any substantial clue as to what I will do after my volunteer stint is over. The idea of returning...I can't seem to imagine that far in advance. I love my life here-it is so rich, full of friends and love and my cat (who is currently sitting on top of my computer). But something in me says it's time to go. I watched 'Motorcycle Diaries' the other day, fantastic movie. At the end of it, I knew I totally dug it but couldn't say why. It's Che Guervera's (sp) trek through South America. Throughout the movie, Che became quieter. He just seemed to go within to find out what he truly believed. At the end of his journey, he writes that his adventure changed him beyond what he had expected. He was a different man. I think this is what speaks to me-the idea that these moments in our lives, change us in unexpected ways. I don't know what Africa will open up in me. Will I want to stay and work to help Africans have access to basic human rights... Will I be changed beyond what I could have expected? Will I be a different woman?

What an amazing experience this process is...working towards something valuable, being held and helped by friends (and strangers) along the way. I love this life.

FUNDRAISING UPDATE
CURRENT: $3315, GOAL: $6350

Thank you Pat...your support is so encouraging.

What a fantastic weekend! On Friday night I was able to visit Berkeley with my friend to hear Holly Near speak. She is an incredible feminist/human rights activist/peace maker. She sings these beautiful songs like '1000 Grandmothers'-she suggests that we should send 1000 grandmothers to war, they'd heal the wounds. Her song questions the fact that humans send their young to war. I thought about it and started looking at the way we relegate our elders to homes or facilities-as if they've lost their purpose and should be put away somewhere. I wonder if part of the reason some elderly people age so poorly and become completely inactive is because we have a culture that allows them to. What if they understood their lives needed to continue to be purposeful, that there is still a purpose for them-would they keep moving? Are we losing generations of wisdom because we've stopped venerating our elders? My wonderful friend Kay (97 years old and still driving and wild and stylish) told me that she keeps herself young and active by continuing to move about. She tells me that when she spends a day without activity, she gets creaky and it becomes harder for her to move. She has given me the most basic and useful tips on living-don't spend too much time in the past, enjoy the simple things in life. Kay moves quite slowly at this point and usually needs some assistance when we walk. I know she doesn't like that she is slow but from my vantage point it feels quite amazing. Whenever I visit her-I slow down completely. My world goes from 100mph to 25mph and it's rad. I listen more closely, I talk less, I walk slowly, I nap when I feel like it in her comfortable papasan chair...I drink tea and I'm still. Being with Kay is like a retreat. She is another one of my gifts from the Universe.

Anywho...Holly Near spoke about finding your voice. Not literally necessarily-I believe it's more about finding what you believe in and are willing to work towards. I read this book 'Answering Your Call' and the author gives suggestions on how to live a called life-find purpose in the mundane, live with purpose through the routine. He suggests that living a called life means working towards a goal that is bigger than oneself and not able to be achieved in a lifetime. I think that's what Holly Near means about finding your voice, it's finding your calling. I don't think that means you have to find one job you want to do for the rest of your life-mabye it means...dang, I still don't know.

I want to go to Africa so much. Yes to help, but also to open another door and maybe find my voice.

Another reason this weekend was so fantastic is I ( and my gifted croquet partner Lyman) won a croquet tournament-what a game!

FUNDRAISING UPDATE
CURRENT: $3295, GOAL: $6350

I'm up late tonight, thinking about Africa.

When I was a little girl I thought that my job was to change the world, to make it better. For a long time I never questioned my ability to do so, but I wasn't sure how. I started dreaming of Africa in those days, my understanding at that time was that it was a poor place that needed help. It was so simple, go somewhere where people need you and help.

It feels more complicated now. The world seems like a desperate place with so many troubles. I wonder if one person can actually make a difference. I'm surprised I actually wrote that...I'm the one that's trying to move to a remote village in Uganda, why am I doing that if I'm not sure I can actually make a difference?

The people who I am drawn too, the ones that fill me with excitement and passion-that fire me up and push me to want to do more, be less afraid, live a life less ordinary, learn to love my fellow planet-dwellers...these people are usually optimists and idealists. They believe in their ability to do good. One friend I spoke with tonight focuses on the little things she can do every day to plant seeds in people's hearts. I read another friend's essay and he speaks of changing the world, one corporation at a time. These people believe in making the world a better place. I want to be like them.

My brother suggested tonight that maybe people become so overwhelmed by all the troubles of America that they give up on it and join the bandwagon that boo-hoos everything our government does as wrong, instead of finding small ways to become apart of positive change. That hit a nerve. I've been pissed off at our government lately, even kicked around the idea that America failed as an experiment in democracy and freedom. At the same time I have a voter information booklet that outlines all of the upcoming propisitions sitting on my coffee table, and I keep finding reasons not to take the time to read it.

It's becoming more clear to me that needing to change the whole world order or at least one nation(I have grandiose plans) is a tall order to give oneself and alot of pressure to live under. Perhaps a more humble goal would be to plant seeds of change in the hearts of a few, and water and nurture the seed that is growing within me.

I don't want to be some naysayer who derives pleasure from pointing out why this and that cannot be achieved. Yuck. There is this phrase " act yourself into right thinking." How cool is that. I don't have to wait until my thinking, motives, intentions, chakras, etc...are all aligned before doing helpful, positive things. Even though today (and maybe for the past couple of days), I don't feel superpositive about the future of our world-I can still act as if I fully believe that I can change our world, make it a little bit better. Because that is who I want to be, a woman who dreams and hopes and helps.

I think it's time to do some more of that dreaming.

FUNDRAISING UPDATE
CURRENT: $3120, GOAL: $6350

Thank you seems such an understatement at this point. Jill, thank you for your incredible support. Chris, you're awesome.

I'm starting to think I really might be moving to Africa in January.

FUNDRAISING UPDATE
CURRENT: $2020, GOAL: $6350

This feels huge. We broke the $2000 mark. Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Bates for your support and love throughout the years. Mrs. Bates, I still remember you taking care of me when I burned myself to a crisp in Tamarack.
John and Shawna-or Johna and Shawn-I love you.

I've been truly enjoying the questions and comments I've been receiving lately-they have me thinking. Which...actually is pretty normal for me. The best thing about revealing yourself in a public forum is that people respond in kind. They open up to you-I love that. I like knowing that people are out there, experiencing some of the same things I am-struggling with the same questions. And I like hearing how people find their solace and strength.

I receive these daily quotes from Outward Bound ( a rad program that inspires and challenges) and I especially liked this one-

"You shall take pleasure in the time while you are seeking, even though you obtain not immediately that which you seek, for the purpose of a journey is not only to arrive at the goal but also to find enjoyment by the way. "- Henry van Dykes

I am enjoying my journey!

Do you ever feel overwhelmed by the trajedies of the World? I've been reading about the earthquake in Pakistan and the mudslides in Guatemala. So many people have died...I understand that dying is another life experience but the thought of losing this small little existence of my own terrifies me. How can a life just end? The people who died had dreams and hopes. I bet some of them hoped they would marry and have kids one day. Probably one or two of them dreamed of living in Africa. How can all of that just be taken away in an instant?

I hear of these things happening and I want to fly there to help but what can I do? I feel so frustrated and small and powerless. What can I do in the face of all this sorrow?

There was this blurb that 8 helicopters were being taken out of Afghanistan to help in Pakistan. Does anyone else think it's crazy that the world is fighting-that we are killing each other for causes that I don't even understand. Is it land ownership, oil, idealogy? What is it exactly that makes all of this human-created death justifiable? I understand that it's complicated, etc... but I'm saddened that we can only spare 8 helicopters for Pakistan because the others are busy with military operations in the middle east.

My very wise friend would probably tell me at this point that if I dwell in this, I won't be of much use to anyone. That my questioning the purpose and plan of all things will simply make me crazy and not actually improve anything. She's right. But how can I go about my days, worrying about my little ambitions, my job when it's all so very unimportant. Except isn't that what I'm sad that people have lost...their little lives that are so incredibly precious to them?

My life is precious to me, even though it is less than a dot on the map of human existence. If I didn't feel that way, I would not care if others died or the world was crashing down about me. Truly living my life, giving and taking as much joy as possible each day is what gives me the compassion to want that for others and to be saddened when that is denied them.

It's late and there is a relatively good chance that none of this makes sense. I question whether or not to publish it on my blog. But does it actually matter? What am I afraid of? That someone will know that I have these feelings, that someone will tell me I'm being simplistic...that I'll feel a fool tomorrow? Why is it so incredibly hard to reveal one's true self?

FUNDRAISING UPDATE
CURRENT: $1895, GOAL:$6350

My very thoughtful friend Ryan just sent me a Lugandan phrase book. Lugandan is one of the official languages of Uganda(the other is English). What a great gift. I am looking forward to learning this language that is unlike any I am familiar with.
I subbed for my mentor teacher Dave today. He works with SDAIE kids (english is their second language), many of whom have just recently been transplanted to the States. They had to read out loud and I was so impressed with their willingness to dive into a foreign language-I wonder if they even know how awesome it is that they can speak a second language. I studied German, spent a semester in Germany in 1998. The amount of German I learned in the 6 months I lived there was 3 times as much as I'd learned in 3 years at SC. Speaking in another language (albeit very poorly) was a thrill for me. It opened up this whole other world for me and it made me think about what I was saying. That is not something I do all the time-think about what I'm saying. I wonder how often I would actually speak if I only said things I had truly thought about before saying them.
THANK YOU RICH AND ALISON (THE NEWLYWEDS), TOM AND HEATHER (JORDAN AND THE NEW LITTLE ONE TOO) AND RYAN.

FUNDRAISING UPDATE
CURRENT: $1700, GOAL: $6350

WOO-HOO! This is so exciting...5 donations came in today! I can hardly believe it. Thank you Kay, John, Carissa, Joey and Maria and Dad. You are so wonderful.

FUNDRAISING UPDATE
CURRENT: $1425, GOAL: $6350

It cracks me up when someone refers to my blog in conversation. For some reason, I was convinced that no one actually read it. Now I feel like I need to step it up and use proper grammar. I've written to a magazine and a newspaper requesting sponsorship and they may use this as a writing sample. Yikes.
I've definitely been putting sponsorship requests out into the universe and it feels as if I need to step back a bit and let things unfold as they will. Walk with faith maybe. Every day after work I throw my gear down and run to the mailbox to check for responses-on one hand I love how much I care about this. On the other hand, I feel obsessed.
I cannot remember another moment in my life when I had a goal that was so huge to me. This experience is bringing it home to me that something overwhelming is much more manageable when taken one step at a time. I think applying to college was sort of like this, then applying to study abroad...I guess I've done things similar but never with the fundraising element thrown in. And it seems that there was always guidance along the way, people telling me exactly what I needed to do and giving me deadlines. This is sort of me-organized, which is scary and exciting.
I've been asking myself alot lately, why am I doing this? I've been substitute teaching and each day I interact with young people. Some of these kids break my heart-I wonder how different they would be if they just had one person completely behind them, loving them senseless, giving them encouragement and guidance, accepting them as they are. I want to give them some of that. So why Africa? I did plan on teaching in Sacramento but I could not find a contract...but that's only part of the reason I want to teach in Africa. Africa calls to me and I don't know why. I can't even say when I started wanting to go there but I was rereading a journal from 1994 and I was already writing about it then. This doesn't always make sense. Does a plan have to make complete sense to be good?