BEHAVING BETTER THAN MY FEELINGS

The other day I complained to a friend that my life seems directionless and full of uncertainty. She asked if she could read me something, then quoted my blog entry from July.

"The cool thing is that I'm walking into a future that has no certainties...I don't know where I'll be living a month from now, will I have a job? Will I be happy or even healthy? So I have all these opportunities coming up to practice living in the NOW, doing my part to prepare for the future, then getting back to enjoying what is, at this moment. Sometimes I feel like life is a series of lectures and labs...you learn something new, listen to the lecture, maybe take notes-then you have to go into the lab (or life) and actually practice it."

Ugh. How uncomfortable to realize that here I am again, wishing for something different. Darn it it's hard to be content with what is, as opposed to always working towards this golden future that will cure me of all my woes.

This time last year, I was on top of the world and my golden future stretched out before me and this tall, handsome man stood next to me, ready to skip together along the road of glorious destiny. So umm, my life isn't exactly like that right now. I'm subbing again and I gotta tell you, being a substitute, well a substitute anything, is a touch demoralizing.

I enjoy being a good person, someone who makes others smile and takes the time to ask about their day...etc, etc... It's easy to be like that when I'm skipping along the road of glorious destiny. It's much more difficult I find, to behave that way when the world is not at your feet and the future is murky at best. But really, isn't that when it truly counts. It may not 'count' for anybody but me. Some moments I wonder what my life is about. What's the point of all this? I've come to realize that moments like that need not always be indulged, that sometimes I need to yank myself out of that thinking and head back into whatever I'm experiencing at the moment. If I think about being a substitute teacher in some sort of life path, philosophical questioning kind of way...I'll end up in tears, pissed off or craving a cigarette. If I pull my head back into the actual moment of being in the classroom I become aware of the sweet young student who just smiled at me. Smiles from high school teens are rare, so I appreciate them when I notice them. Or I'll notice the kid who just arrived from Thailand totally struggling with...well everything. And I get the opportunity to teach this kid a new word and show him some kindness in this crazy foreign place, that's become home. I know a little something about being an outsider in a crazy, foreign place.

Some days I can do this...behave better than my feelings, not dwell on everything that isn't right in my life. Some days I am the woman I want to be, regardless of my circumstances. Other days, I'm grumpy and hide from the other earth people because I don't want to be among them. This may be so elementary for some people but these are kind of big life lessons for me. Lately, I have more days where my life and actions are bigger than my feelings...that's progress for me.

I certainly didn't come out of the womb consciously knowing this stuff, so maybe I'm growing. Maybe that's what this whole deal is about...learning how to live. I think Earth school is in session.